Grief
by KorrasamixxTyzulaxxDreams
Summary: "No, no. You're a moron, Ty Lee. I am not a victim. I make victims." Tyzula Week Entry. *Complete*
1. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1: Luck_**

* * *

 ** _Present Day_**

Ty Lee doesn't know what she is supposed to do or say or be or what.

She just knows that no one has had any luck helping Azula. Maybe Ty Lee does not want to see her very much, but Ty Lee _does_ owe her at least an attempt. Even after Azula did such awful things... such _an_ awful thing. It makes Ty Lee feel nauseous, but she will live.

Maybe Azula will apologize; maybe Ty Lee does not need Azula to apologize. Maybe it is too late to apologize; maybe it is too early.

But Ty Lee would be lucky if Azula wants to see her at all. This is not the best situation they have ever been in. In fact, it is probably the worst, which is a very tough title to achieve.

It must be Ty Lee's lucky day, because there Azula is. Ty Lee twists her wedding ring around her finger over and over again before slowly removing it and beginning to chew on it absentmindedly. The metal tastes like blood in her mouth.

Azula does not look as bad as Ty Lee worried that she would.

 ** _Years Ago…_**

She is gone, and she is not coming back. She is gone because there was nothing Azula could do. She is gone because Azula could not deceive death, or control the situation.

Is this what it feels like to be helpless? It is, Azula believes, it is.

The numbing sensation that washes over her is familiar, an acquired taste that she has come to appreciate. It makes her seem so clinical and cold, just like she was intended to be.

Azula has had many points in her life when she thought it would be so much easier to just give up. To no longer bother with trying to live. But it has never felt as desirable to her as it does right now, in this moment. She is so very aware and alert, but, at the same time, the world around her is surreal and blurred.

Zuko dares to enter the sunny courtyard porch. Azula is drenched in sunlight, and it looks like a particularly eerie painting. He almost does not want to disturb it, but the way she is barely breathing; he knows he should at least bring her the glass of water he is holding.

"I brought you this." Silence. "It's just the heat wave and you've been out here for a while."

Azula opens her lips to speak before realizing that she has nothing to say. She could say that the heatwave will not affect her because she is such a powerful firebender, but that makes her think of soft words discussing just how powerful the wide-eyed girl would be one day.

Zuko lingers for a moment, although he doubts she wants to talk to him, or anyone. Even the guards assigned to watch over her are well out of range, like she will just combust like an explosion of cerulean fireworks. But Zuko does not think that will be Azula's reaction. Not violence, silence, detachment, reminding herself that she is not human and so it cannot hurt her.

Even when it does.

* * *

 ** _Chapter 2: Kittens_**

* * *

 ** _Present Day_**

Azula sits down across from Ty Lee, who offers what she must think is a kind or encouraging smile. But Azula just wants to spit in her face, because Ty Lee dares to even come here after getting Azula sent away.

Sent away to a place that is nicer than the last asylum she went to, but not a good one either. Azula truly does not want anything to do with Ty Lee, not _at all_.

"Zuko sent me, actually," Ty Lee admits, knowing Azula will get the truth out of her one way or another.

"Of course. Like all of the others. You are no different. He honestly should stop holding his breath about this. They, however, were actual professionals… you are probably pretty far from expertise in anything more complicated than eyeliner."

"I wanted to come."

"It's been quite some time. Four years?"

Ty Lee swallows. Four years since an act that was atrocious enough for Ty Lee to not want to face Azula again. But Ty Lee had to see, had to see her. Last time she didn't, and she regretted it.

"I think you know that I don't want to interact with you after that. I've forgiven you, but I don't know if I'm…"

"Why are you here if you don't want to interact with me?" Azula asks coldly.

Ty Lee's stomach does several flips. "I want to be with you, because I married you and promised to do things like that."

"You think I need _healing_?" Azula spits and Ty Lee slowly nods.

"Yes. I think that even Princess Azula isn't invincible," Ty Lee says quietly, her hand twitching to rest on Azula's handcuffed wrists, but she changes her mind halfway through.

"I'm not a helpless kitten for you to protect," Azula snarls.

"Azula," Ty Lee whispers, "you were a victim."

Azula gets angry at that. "No, no. Ty Lee, you're a moron. That's absurd. I am not a victim. I _make_ victims."

* * *

 ** _Chapter 3: Divorce_**

* * *

 ** _Present Day_**

"Victims like our marriage," Ty Lee whispers coldly. "Victims like me..." Ty Lee refrains from saying the second one, because it would hurt her as much as it would hurt Azula, if not more so.

"Victims like me? I have no idea why me being a victim of anything would have a single thing to do with what happened. Azula grinds her teeth. "You were the one who asked for the divorce."

"You were the one who made it necessary," Ty Lee whispers, startled she has been able to refrain from crying for this long. But she can feel the tears behind her eyes now, and there is no changing that. "I'm sorry, okay?"

Ty Lee frowns and then softly sighs. Azula still is so _cold_ and Ty Lee can just feel it radiating from her like she so often felt heat coming from before.

"I've been watching that cherry blossom tree start growing," Ty Lee whispers like an idiot. "It's not anywhere near back yet, but you were right about wildfires and seeds or whatever you meant."

 _"You burned everything?" Ty Lee chokes through tears. She is angry, but she just sounds weak and weary._

 _"Yes," Azula says honestly._

 _The ash from the beautiful cherry blossom tree is impossible to get out of Ty Lee's nostrils._

"I always thought it was a nice tree," Azula remarks calmly and Ty Lee clenches her jaw.

"Don't shut me out. Don't act so calm and shrug me off. You're not allowed to shut me out," Ty Lee hisses.

"You're not married to me anymore. Remember?" Azula smirks. "But it looks like you're the one wearing the crown now, huh?"

 **(TBC)**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 4: Rehab_**

* * *

 ** _4 Years Ago..._**

Ty Lee is feeling electric tonight, and nothing can bring her down. Mai seems to want to stop her, but she just keeps near Ty Lee, keeping her on a tight leash to make sure she does not do anything she will truly regret. Perhaps this is how she tries to cope, tries to lose herself.

Mai has spent a good deal of time sitting on the sidelines of parties, dances and galas, and she can tell by how people dance why they are dancing. Some people dance for pleasure, some dance to get laid, some dance to remember, Ty Lee is dancing to forget.

Or maybe she is just avoiding Azula; that could easily be the case. Her dancing fades and she leans against the bar, trying to mask her lost breath. Her skin is streaked with sweat and she hopes it does not show the tears she sobbed in the bathroom. A man buys two drinks for Ty Lee and Mai takes both of them before striding across the room.

"Have you talked to Azula since...?" Mai is smart enough to trail off.

"No. She probably doesn't want to, anyway," Ty Lee offers with a wide, plastic grin.

Some smile because they're happy, Ty Lee smiles because she is afraid.

"I know we don't talk about our feelings, but if you have anything you want to say, I... I'm pretty good at listening and not offering my opinion," Mai says after downing a gulp of her drink. Ty Lee is still studying her glass, as if it has the answers to why her life is so broken now.

 ** _Present Day..._**

"You needed to get better," Ty Lee whispers. "I went to rehab and I didn't really even have to. You _have_ to do this to avoid _being killed_."

Azula rolls her eyes. "I didn't agree to talk to you just to be lectured." She then is silent. "I didn't agree to talk to you at all. And I've decided that I don't want to."

Ty Lee looks up as Azula makes a wordless gesture and just _leaves_.

Just _leaves_ before Ty Lee can even try to fix her.

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Wine**

 ** _Present Day..._**

Ty Lee stays the night whether Azula likes it or not. She does not know how on Earth she is ever going to be able to explain herself and why she did what she did to Azula.

Her guest room is very much like a hotel room, but she knows that it isn't. It is just pretending to be a nice vacation instead of a fucked up visitation. Maybe Ty Lee appreciates that.

She was halfway through unpacking when Azula showed up. When Azula said she would like to give Ty Lee a chance when they were not sitting at a table used usually for interrogations. Ty Lee thought it was fair enough, and now Azula sits on Ty Lee's bed as Ty Lee tries to think of something to do to make this easier.

They have wine that Ty Lee should not drink. She should restrain herself, but she cannot find the ability to do it. It seems so far from worth it here, and Azula was the reason that she even was able to stick to promises to herself. Ty Lee has never been good at enforcing her own rules.

She pours a glass for her wife with shaking hands. Azula sits and watches Ty Lee with a glint of perhaps _anger_ in her eyes, and Ty Lee's mouth is dry. That is a fair enough reason as any to drink this.

Slowly, Ty Lee walks to Azula and hands it to her. They both sit down across from each other and Ty Lee stares at her own feet in discomfort. Maybe one of them should say that they are sorry, or maybe not. It is exceptionally hard to tell.

They are talking. Not saying much really, but the conversation makes it less uncomfortable.

Ty Lee has stood up to change her clothes when she finds herself very close to Azula. She is not sure how, but she is.

"I'm not doing this," Ty Lee says quietly as Azula touches her hands. "I want you but... it's not right. Is it? No, it's not right at all."

Azula is unimpressed and Ty Lee has to admit that her protests go against what she wants.

"It's not a sin if we're drunk," Azula murmurs mockingly, and Ty Lee desperately wants to believe her.

Azula kisses her and everything is blurry. Ty Lee thinks it is because she has closed her eyes so tightly and just let the crazy murderer take control for some reason.

Ty Lee does not know how she got here, up against a wall figuratively and literally. Their lips are so tightly against each other that Ty Lee is breathless, because she missed it no matter what happened between them. Azula breaks the kiss and without further hesitation, slips Ty Lee's nightdress off with a little help from trembling, hesitant, half-drunk hands.

Azula lets it fall onto the floor, and Ty Lee thinks she is the only one who is worried about the ramifications of falling for each other again. Unless Azula never fell out of it. They are moving very quickly to the bed of the faux hotel room.

Ty Lee kisses and then sucks and then very lightly bites Azula's collarbone. Azula likes it, Azula likes it and Ty Lee's less and less hesitant fingers brush across her neck and down to her nipple.

"Azula," Ty Lee murmurs, "I'm..." She is a lot of things but Azula is not listening because she has rolled around like lightning and is straddling Ty Lee, who is quite extremely wet. She is smiling and it isn't fake for the first time in a while, even if she does not notice it on her face.

Rather fast, Azula has her hands against Ty Lee's cheekbone. It is a light touch but the cold of her skin hurts for so many reasons. As Azula's touch drifts, Ty Lee has so bite her lip to keep herself from screaming _stop_ as she lightly pinches her nipples. Ty Lee's breasts fill her hands, and Ty Lee knows she is going to regret it in the morning, even when she is gone.

Azula moves to her panties and does not hesitate.

They do not stop, and Ty Lee cannot pretend that either of them are drunk enough for it to not be a sin.

 **(TBC)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 6: Denial**

* * *

 _ **Present Day...**_

"You don't want to believe it happened," Azula whispers, punctuating her sentence with a mirthless laugh. "You are so far in denialthat I think reality has given up on trying. Like my brother, actually. Reality has just swept you aside and tries to pretend you don't exist."

Ty Lee had woken up to the sound of guards. They were very uncomfortable as they removed Azula from the room, and Ty Lee followed them. The cell is beautiful, very unlike the one Ty Lee saw so very long ago. It had hurt her to see Azula like this. Ty Lee thinks that she should feel pleased and relieved that Azula is locked up, that Azula was sent away here for her own protection and the protection of others.

But Ty Lee feels just as much guilt as she did when she was a misguided sixteen year old little girl who saw her first love in a straitjacket.

"I'm not trying to change you or what happened. But maybe I can change us. Maybe we can get closure," Ty Lee says, her eyes sparkling in the light. She leans against the bars and gazes at the cell that is as desolate but beautiful as the woman she married and then lost again.

"I have no obligation to be involved in this," Azula says clearly, that same detached, cold, inhuman tone that has made Ty Lee mentally throttle her a thousand times. "It was your choice, not mine."

"It wasn't right of you. But I don't think you meant it. When I say you were a victim, I _mean it_ ," Ty Lee breathes, wrapping her fingers around the bars separating them. The metal is the least of what keeps them apart, however.

"I didn't mean it. But I did it and I will not apologize. We lost her and you tried to replace her and I think you are just as insane as I am for that. Did you think that you could somehow comfort yourself with denial if you made another little baby?" Azula whispers coldly. "If anything, I should have divorced you and gotten you locked up."

"You're locked here because you are a fucked up murderer and you should stop pretending that you're at all righteous!" Ty Lee howls and Azula laughs hollowly. Ty Lee sighs. "Please just talk to me. _Please_. I can help you leave this place."

Azula licks her lips and shakes her head.

"There is nothing to talk about. It isn't mine if I don't say it is. That is how the laws work, as you must know. Don't feign ignorance; you knew my answer well enough since you did it all behind my back," Azula purrs. "I agree with you about why we should have separated. You are a liar and a cheat... and so am I."

"It wasn't your fault with her."

"It was my fault the second time. The second time it wasn't an accident. _That's_ why I'm here, so stop pretending that it's somehow about my... mistake," Azula states and Ty Lee tries not to cry.

"Do you even care?" Ty Lee asks softly.

"I hear her screaming and it will never go away."

Azula slips away again.

 _ **4 Years Ago...**_

It is an accident with [name erased]. Azula _doesn't mean it_ and they all know that. Azula cannot convince herself that her little girl is _gone_. She cannot admit to herself that it was because of her and her lack of control that it happened.

She refuses to say that she is crazy. She was in the midst of hallucinations, the worst she had experienced. She was hurt because of her father and because of herself as a mother. She didn't even know what happened until it was over.

But the little body breaks her more irreparably than anything had before.

And Ty Lee shares in that agony as they go to the funeral and watch their child burn on a pyre before she even reaches ten years old.

No parent should have to burn the corpse of their child. No parent should have to admit to themselves that it is their loss of control that killed her.

Death by lightning is a fate that makes Azula vomit all night when she isn't waking up screaming from her fitful slumber.

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Fave Movie Quote ("You can't trust someone who thinks you're crazy - Gothika)**

Ty Lee would likely be happier if she leaves and went home to her pathetic excuse of a family. To Izumi, the niece she can pretend is a daughter like the one she lost. But Ty Lee stays at the asylum that is her temporary home, isolated without Azula.

Azula won't talk to her. Azula _fucked her_ when they were half drunk, Azula _talked to her_ when she did not have to. But, of course, Azula is in too much denial to accept this.

The royal guards come at the end of the second week. Azula and Ty Lee have been separate, but their pain is the same, their nightmares are shared.

"Princess Ty Lee, you have to return home now," the guards say and Ty Lee opens her mouth to say no. But she knows she has to do it.

She didn't get the closure she was looking for, but she was able to see Azula and touch her and feel her heat. She had sex with the woman who broke her, she tried to explain herself to the woman she broke.

"I learned my lesson," Ty Lee repeats to herself over and over again to try to keep from accepting the truth.

Azula knows Ty Lee is leaving, and, despite her reservations, agrees to speak to Ty Lee one last time. She... wants closure too, even though she knows that she will not receive.

"Are those the petals from the cherry blossom tree?" Azula asks, flicking the necklace draped over Ty Lee's breasts with one finger. The guards tense up when they see the physical contact, but Azula does nothing more than touch the petals. "I'm sorry I burnt it. I know how much it meant to... us."

 _Us_ in relation to Ty Lee. That is hard to say.

"I told you it's coming back. But my baby isn't," Ty Lee whispers. Azula is unrepentant. "One last time. Just one last time. Why'd you do it?"

Ty Lee will never forget the sensation of it. The pain that Mai and Zuko were beyond appalled by. No level of pity for Azula could have forgiven the sight of Ty Lee sobbing at the bruised, broken body of her own and the child she conceived in secret gone forever.

"You're looking for answers where there are no answers," Azula says, smirking. Ty Lee cannot believe she is _amused_.

"I... why won't you trust me? That's all I want. I want you to trust me enough to know how much I love you no matter what you do," Ty Lee whispers, pained. "You have no idea how it feels to not be trusted by you. I worked so hard to gain your trust back and I refuse to leave it."

"Because you fucked my brother behind my back because you wanted to replace our dead child?" Azula snaps before laughing mirthlessly. "Of _course_ that deserves a second chance. Ty Lee, I don't trust anybody. Even you. I never started trusting you."

"I never stopped fearing you," Ty Lee breathes and Azula smirks again.

"I know."

"Will you try to trust me somebody?"

"You can't trust someone who thinks you're crazy," Azula says softly.

"I'm crazy too. Do you think that?"

"Yes." Azula nods. "So, I suppose trust is for people who were actually meant to be together."

"Sometimes the person you love isn't the person you're able to be with."

Azula is silent. She makes that gesture again and Ty Lee shrieks in anger about it.

 _I love you_ , she wants to say, but she just says, "Goodbye, Ty Lee. Will you let me know when the tree grows back?"

"Yes," Ty Lee says sharply, as the gentle hand of the guard rests on her shoulder. Time is up, time is up, no, no. Why would Azula do this? Why would Ty Lee keep loving her? "Yes, I'll tell you."

"Do you promise?" Azula looks so collected, fearless, but her eyes belie her icy demeanor.

"Yes. Yes, I promise."

"I suppose I'll have to trust you on that, then."

 **end**


End file.
